It takes different forms during different seasons of my life but it's always there.
I keep coming back to Jesus' words that if you try to save your life you will lose it but if you lose it (for His sake) you will find it.
Sounds poetic. Even intriguing. But what on earth does that really mean?
A couple of weeks ago, Dave told me that he needed to go to Europe this month. Immediately my thoughts went to: who will help me? does he really need to go? will we get enough "family time"? what will he miss in MJ's life at such a young age?...
I've realized that these questions were questions to "save my life" or try to preserve what I think our family needs. And I'll tell you, Jesus is right (as usual), I began to experience loss of life. I experienced loss of harmony with Dave (him feeling unsupported in his job). I experienced loss of peace (my mind racing with scenarios of "what if"). I experienced loss of enjoyment (dreading him leaving).
And then God graciously intervened. As He so often does in my life. Gently and firmly.
Through friends, his word, etc. I knew I was being asked to let go. To die to saving my life and what I think I "need" and to let God care for me.
As I (very weakly) started to do that, life returned. I actually began to anticipate and pray for all that Dave would get to do on this important trip and began to feel like his teammate again. Multiple people (some I barely knew) began to offer to help me with the kids. God provided sweet family time and even date time for me and Dave in the days before he left. And I honestly feel more energy and joy than normal in these days with him away.
My pastor recently said that if dependence on God is the goal (and I would venture to say that that is the goal of the Christian life) then weakness is an advantage.
Death leads to life. The more I die to myself the more he is able to give me life that is truly life (1 Timothy 6:17-19). How would we see God's care for us if only we would release our grip more often?