On birthdays and true celebration

On Tuesday I will be 31.  I remember pretending to be 31 as a kid.  I would pretend to drive my kids to and from school in the closet that served as my car.  I would pretend to make dinner, change diapers (not at the same time), throw tea parties, and talk on my pretend phone constantly.

I should also mention that my perfectly silent husband, normally my baby Bert doll (I know it's a little creepy), and my motionless children did everything I told them to do.  I'm realizing right now that that probably set me up for some major failure!

I know I did not pretend to look in the mirror and wonder, when did my body start to work against me?! (as my friend so graciously told me this week accelerates beginning at age 31).
I did not pretend to feel hurt by social media (especially since Instagram did not exist).
I did not pretend to have to make the kind of decisions that I have to make now on a daily basis about how to spend time and money and energy.
I did not pretend to become more introverted as I became older because my lovely, expressive children drained me of the ability to speak coherently after 5:30pm (remember the motionless baby dolls).

And I DID NOT pretend to have a brutally difficult conversation with my husband DURING my birthday dinner AT the restaurant, with tears and snot included.  We tipped very well in an effort to apologize to our flustered waitress last night.

Without boring you with the both personal and uninteresting details, the conversation included me realizing how very immature I still am and how often I am still hoping to control our family for my happiness and comfort.  How's that for a "welcome to another year"?!

Growing up is hard.  Seeing myself more accurately can be discouraging.  Life does not look exactly how I thought it would.  I truly don't know the future.

But I want to carry into this year 3 things that -God lovingly whispered to me last year in response to my most common and poignant struggles....

*In relation to fear... nothing, nothing, nothing will separate me/you from the love of Christ.  (Romans 8).  And that love is not my selfish, half-hearted attempt to do good to my family...it is the love that says I bought you on the cross, I brought you to myself, I started a good work in you, I will fight for you, I will protect you, I will defend you, I will complete the work.  REST in my love and approval.

* In relation to control...the ONE who is able to do more than we ASK or IMAGINE is in control (Ephesians 3).  NOT ME!  Praise be!!  Seriously, if I really was in control, the world would be wrecked, my home would be wrecked and I would wreck myself.  He never has a wrong motive, works all things for the good of those who love him and sees the whole picture.  If that doesn't make you want to lay down and take a nap I don't know what will!  Oh and he even says, he gives to his Beloved sleep (Psalm 127).

* In relation to seeing my weakness...oh this has been anything but fun this year...but if we do not let God show us how messed up we truly are, how will we ever live dependently?  We won't.  I just know that the minute I think I can do ANYTHING in my own strength, I lose sight of his presence.  And honestly, I'd rather be weak.  Because I make a mess of things in about .2 seconds.  Walk in the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5)

He is our anchor and hope.  An unchanging and completely trustworthy advocate as we walk through the life He has written for us.

Post cry-fest

On a Personal Note: death leads to life

I am a control freak.  You wouldn't know it by the state of my kitchen floor or the amount of peanut butter that is (constantly) on Graham's face.  But I am.

It takes different forms during different seasons of my life but it's always there.

I keep coming back to Jesus' words that if you try to save your life you will lose it but if you lose it (for His sake) you will find it.
Sounds poetic.  Even intriguing.  But what on earth does that really mean?

A couple of weeks ago, Dave told me that he needed to go to Europe this month.  Immediately my thoughts went to: who will help me?  does he really need to go?  will we get enough "family time"? what will he miss in MJ's life at such a young age?...

I've realized that these questions were questions to "save my life" or try to preserve what I think our family needs.  And I'll tell you, Jesus is right (as usual), I began to experience loss of life.  I experienced loss of harmony with Dave (him feeling unsupported in his job).  I experienced loss of peace (my mind racing with scenarios of "what if").  I experienced loss of enjoyment (dreading him leaving).

And then God graciously intervened.  As He so often does in my life.  Gently and firmly.
Through friends, his word, etc. I knew I was being asked to let go.  To die to saving my life and what I think I "need" and to let God care for me.

As I (very weakly) started to do that, life returned.  I actually began to anticipate and pray for all that Dave would get to do on this important trip and began to feel like his teammate again.  Multiple people (some I barely knew) began to offer to help me with the kids.  God provided sweet family time and even date time for me and Dave in the days before he left.  And I honestly feel more energy and joy than normal in these days with him away.

My pastor recently said that if dependence on God is the goal (and I would venture to say that that is the goal of the Christian life) then weakness is an advantage.

Death leads to life.  The more I die to myself the more he is able to give me life that is truly life (1 Timothy 6:17-19).  How would we see God's care for us if only we would release our grip more often?

A sweet family day at the zoo before Daddy left

On a Personal Note: ADD Reading 10th ed.

Summer class reading :/.  Basically I'm just procrastinating reading this one.

Wow.  This book is not for the faint of heart.  I am going to need to read it again to fully process it.  I don't agree with all of it but have definitely been challenged to look at training my kids for the sake of them being able to say "yes" to God and "no" to themselves.

I love to cook and host and this book puts words to why what happens around the table when we eat together is so significant.  Full of fun new recipes to try too.

Reading this because Romans is full of the Gospel, the good news that I add nothing to the equation of right relationship with God.  Jesus did it all.  I need to be reminded daily.

On a Personal Note: Heroes

These are our friends.  I can't tell you their names or even where they live because it could impact their safety.  But I do want to tell you about them because they are heroes to me.  And they would probably laugh and hate that I call them that but they are.

We met them years ago in California, before any of us were married.

We were all in a small group at our church together.  Then they got married and so did we.

We felt like God was continuing to lead us into college ministry and they felt that he was leading them overseas...to a people group who have never heard about Jesus...in the middle of a desert...where the risks they face are numerous.

So, fast forward a few years and we live in Raleigh/Durham now, in a beautiful area with a lovely home.  I get to be home with our two kids.  We own two cars.  We eat out at least once a week and adjust our thermostat without a thought.  We are working with college students (just as we planned) and they speak our language and help us with our kids.

This picture was a taken a few nights before our friends moved.  To a desert far away. And, yes, they have a baby girl who was not even a year old when they left.  They left their families, their car, their thermostat and their culture.  They went to form relationships with people who don't know who Jesus is or what he has done for them.

And we sat with them, this night before they left.  And we asked if they were scared.

And they almost looked a little puzzled at the question.

They acknowledged that they knew the first days and weeks there would be hard but where you would expect fear and sadness, there was peace and joy and anticipation in their faces and voices.

All of their language study and culture study, all of their prayer and preparation was about to be put to use with a people that they love deeply without even knowing them.

Every time I receive their email updates I cry.

I cry because they really understand that life isn't just about the here and now.  

Jesus really is coming back and he has really asked us to tell others about him.

I cry because I'm still trying to preserve my own comfort and "american dream" in so many ways and they left it all, happily.

I cry because their example pushes me away from pursuing things that don't ultimately matter very much.

I think they really believe God's word when it says that if you try to save your life, you will lose it but if you lose your life for His sake, you will find it.

On a Personal Note: to my future daughter

wrote this right after finding out we were having a girl.  it's easy now that she's here to just try to care for her in my own strength and not keep praying for her.  Lord, teach me to pray.

To my daughter:
I thought you were a girl from the start-- you made me very sick and extremely emotional and somehow I just knew.  When I was pregnant with your brother I didn't know what to think.  We were shocked and overwhelmed.  But this time was so different.  We waited for you and prayed for you to be added to our family and finding out you were on the way was thrilling.  And the anticipation of meeting you is about killing me!  I can't wait.

I am beginning to pray specifically for you and the kind of woman you will become.  It's not easy to be a woman in this world.  It's not easy to be in this world in general but I hope you know from an early age the immeasurable goodness of God.  I hope we can explain to you that we have nothing without him and we have all that we need and immeasurably more with him.  I hope our love for you is a hint of how God delights in you and rejoices over you.  I pray that you run to him for grace and walk closely by his side all of your days.  And I pray that you believe deeply in his promises and trust and delight in him.

I hope you are a woman who is much more concerned with her heart than with her appearance.  I pray that you feel free from all of the things that trap women and all of the lies that are thrown at you.  I pray that you wouldn't even trust your own heart which Scripture tells us is "deceitful- who can know it?" but instead you would deeply trust in Jesus.  That you would trust him with your life, all of the details, and live boldly and audaciously for the sake of others knowing him as well.

I pray that you hold out for a man like your Dad, one who seeks to honor and understand you and partner with you in every way.

I pray that you and Graham are buddies and that you learn how to consider others better than yourself through having to share and reconcile conflict with him.

I pray that I, as your extremely flawed mom, show you what grace means and fill your mind with truth at every opportunity.  I hope you can forgive the mistakes that I will make and that even those will make you reach out for God.

I'm very excited to stick bows on your head and chit chat with you in the middle of the night those first few months and I can't wait to discover your personality.  You are a gift, an inheritance from the Lord, and I am so grateful for the privilege to parent you.

I love you baby girl.

Mommy

On a Personal Note: on feeling mediocre

If there's one thing I feel about blogging, it's that I don't want to be boring in my posts.  And quite frankly, I've felt rather boring lately, hence the minimal posting.  I've been making the same meals over and over, wearing the same 4 outfits, doing grad school work in my free time and plugging Graham in front of the tv set when I need to shut my eyes for a few minutes.  None of my DIY projects are complete (several are half done).  I'm not very inspired by anything that I'm reading (although I feel that I should be) and I don't feel particularly proud of my wife or mom efforts lately.  I mean my only 2 goals today were to return something at the mall and get some necessities at Super Target.  After the returning errand (and throwing up my prenatal vitamin in the parking lot-sorry for that detail),  I could not muster the motivation to even make it to my second stop.  So I drove through chick-fil-a for a coke and headed home.

What I'm trying to let sink in, in the midst of this, is that God's view of me is the same on the days where I feel successful and productive and inspired as it is on the days where I feel lazy and inadequate and mediocre.  His opinion of me is not based on me, it is based on his love and grace toward me.  This is the essence of my relationship with Jesus.  That I bring nothing to the equation and he brings everything: grace, forgiveness, acceptance and even delight.  I am asked only to receive.  And how hard it is to receive.  Because it requires admitting need and inability to perfect myself.

"Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God."  - 2 Corinthians 3:5

I want to soak in this truth.  Freedom begins where my striving to be worthy and admirable ends.

And to make sure this post is not boring, here's what 30 weeks is looking like.  So close yet so far :)

On a Personal Note: Marriage Wisdom

Reminders of why the covenant of marriage sustains the love of marriage.

Happy Valentines Day!

On a Personal Note: The trouble with saying "no"

A lot of people will say that the reason you may have trouble saying "no" to things or to people is because you are a "people-pleaser" who is trying to keep everyone happy.  This is obviously true for some but I guess I've never fully resonated with that because I definitely don't care about keeping everyone happy (a few people, yes, but not everyone) and I've always thought there was more behind the things I have trouble saying "no" to.
This weekend I realized that my trouble stems from admitting that I am limited in my time, resources and emotional energy--not even admitting that to someone else, but admitting it to myself!!

I have been reading the book of Romans and I'm reminded of my human neediness rooted in my sinful, human nature.  But more than that, I'm reminded of God's willingness to help in my weakness and cover that weakness with grace.  I've been credited with Jesus' righteousness, so I don't have to prove my own worthiness (which is not going to really happen anyway since I'm a bigger mess than I know or would like to admit).

I was hanging this artwork above our bed a couple of weeks ago that is a reminder of our wedding passage from Colossians 1-- He is before all things and in Him all things hold together...

He is to be my priority because it's who He is.  I really can't offer anything good apart from Him.
And he is the sustainer, holding all things together.  That's not my job and I certainly can't do it even if I wanted to.
So the pressure to "perform" or "do it all" is off.

Kind of relieving and very humbling at the same time.

The Transform Conference: coming Nov. 9-10th

I am so looking forward to this event featuring one of my favorite authors/speakers Elyse Fitzpatrick coming to the Summit Church in less than 3 weeks. 

If you are local and can attend go to summitrdu.com/events for more info on how to register.

Here's a blog post by my friend/pastor's wife telling you more on why you should come!

I remember the first time I heard the name “Elyse Fitzpatrick.” JD and I were on

a trip celebrating (that we made it through), our first 10 years of marriage. He had his

requisite 14 different books he was going to read, a beautiful obnoxious tradition

that was begun on our honeymoon. After a couple of days he told me he really liked

this book he was reading called “Comforts from the Cross,” but he was surprised,

because it was written by a girl. Over the next few days he continued to rave about

this book, which turned out to be a devotional. Now listen, y’all, at this point this

book had a minimum of 2 strikes against it for both of us. Right or wrong, in our

experience, VERY few, if any, books escape being a “devotional” written by a woman

unscathed. Too much fluff, one too many “beloveds,” and no good sarcasm, and we

are out. But JD kept telling me I needed to read it, so finally, I gave it a glance (not

even in my time with God, mind you; I mean, this was taking time away from my

People mag.) I read straight through from Day 1 to something like Day 9. It was

SO good. And ever since then, we have both been fan club members for all of Elyse

Fitzpatrick’s books (hereafter, she will be referred to as EF, bc typing out her 15-

syllable last name is killing me.)

If you are not familiar w EF, you NEED to be here the weekend of November 9-10

because she is coming to speak. Seriously. EF majors on grace in real and practical

ways. If you sometimes feel like, “Okay okay, I get that the gospel is the key to all

that is wrong in my life, but what do I do with [my screaming child, my screaming

conscience, my screaming voice of anxiety, or any other thing that is literally or

figuratively screaming at you-fill in the blank],” then she has some words of God for

you. She certainly has had them for J.D. and me.

If you haven’t read her stuff, let me give you the first three to start with: Comforts

From the Cross; Because He Loves Me; and Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety-

that third one in particular for women. Get thee to Amazon or Barnes and Noble or

itunes for your Kindle or ipad and order at least one of them pronto. And finally,

COME AND SEE HER IN PERSON NOVEMBER 9-10, here at our very own church. You

will not be sad you did.

Veronica Greear

On a Personal Note: the secret of contentment

Love this thought from church on Sunday..."contentment is always about 6 months away for us"

When I finish school...
When I get that job, that raise...
When I get married...
When I have a baby....
When I have another baby...
When I'm done having kids...
When we can finally have a home...
When I look that way...
When I weigh that...

A friend came back from Kenya recently and was telling me about an average day for a Kenyan woman in the village where she was.  The whole day revolves around the 3 meals.  Food has to be prepped, eaten and then cleaned up and due to the lack of conveniences, it literally takes all day.

I've had the question in my mind over the past few months, "Is Jesus really enough for me?"
If what I had was suddenly gone- my husband, my child, my friendships, my health, my money- would I be able to find contentment in Christ alone.

I mean I sing it all the time..."In Christ alone my hope is found, he is my light my strength, my song."
Really?!  More like "In Christ (plus a few other things) my hope is found...

Philippians 4:13 (most quoted verse by athletes everywhere :) says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  What you may not know is that it follows a passage where Paul is talking primarily about contentment.  In other words, it feels like Paul is insinuating that contentment in Christ is actually possible only by God's strength.

So how do we rely on God's strength to make us content or satisfied?
We find it in who God is and what he has done and has promised to do.

Hebrews 13:5-6 says "...be content with what you have for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'  So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper, I will not fear, what can man do to me?"

Romans 8 says:
"If God is for us who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?...

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come nor powers, nor height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

That really is enough.
We will never be separated from the love of God no matter what we face or what we lose or what we don't have.  And we have confidence that he is our helper and a loving Father who only gives good gifts.

Praying that I can believe this with my head, my heart and the way that I live.

On a Personal Note: marriage perspective

Several great thoughts based on the book The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller

Marriage in Gospel-Focus - Tim and Kathy Keller from The Gospel Coalition on Vimeo.

On a Personal Note: favorite message from Gospel Coalition conference

In the Temple: The Glorious and Forgiving God (1 Kings 8) - Paige Benton Brown from The Gospel Coalition on Vimeo.

I absolutely loved this message at the Gospel Coalition Women's Conference.  It is dense and deep but so applicable and encouraging.  Make sure you don't give up on it the first 20 minutes :)  You are about to get a look at God's presence throughout Scripture and what that means for you today.

On a Personal Note: home again, home again

I've been a stay-at-home mom for 16 months now.  I left my "dream job" as a Resident Director at Biola University in Los Angeles to move to Raleigh for my husband's job at our church here. I'm recently realizing some beautiful benefits of being home...a lot.  And on many days more than I would like.  That's why Graham and I frequent the Target snack counter too often, make up reasons to go for a drive and sometimes just show up at Dad's office unannounced to say "hi."  That may sound glorious to some of you but it's kind of hard for me, specifically after nap time and before Daddy gets home.

But here are 3 gifts of being home that I am deeply savoring right now:


*The gift of starting days with perspective

Never been a morning person.  Never will be.  Being home allows me to slowly waddle to my coffee pot (I waddle when I'm tired), put my son in front of a video (which I don't feel guilty about anymore) and open God's word and ask him what he wants to show me that morning.  Sometimes it's profound- feeling like Scripture was written to pierce my heart specifically.  But more often it's a subtle perspective shift: Jesus is Lord and I am not.  Today, loving God looks like doing dishes, talking with friends, putting my son in time out 10 + times and listening to my husband's heart.

*The gift of being available

I used to be very busy.  I'm a high capacity person and I realize that can be a great thing.  But I seldom had time or space for those opportunities to help someone last minute or check in with someone who's hurting or make a meal for a friend.  It's honestly been so fun to get to do that more often.  God delights us as we give ourselves away to others.  I need that reminder so often.

*The gift of training my son

My friend reminded me yesterday of how repetition is at the core of parenthood, especially with a 2 year old.  I literally need to record myself saying "no more elmo" "no more cookies" and Graham could probably stay home alone.  But seriously, I have been so frustrated at how repetitive it is to train a little human.  What I'm realizing is how it is training me to have to repent for my impatience, be slower to speak and control my anger.  It's not fun but I know it's a gift.

For those of you that are "homers" like me, I'd love to hear what you are savoring right now.  And for those of you who don't choose to be home or don't get to be, I'm sure you can think of some gifts of not being home every day.  I'm sure these thoughts might have reminded you of those too ;).  God is gracious to give us gifts in each season.  Don't forget to look for them.

 

Amy Landis Photography

On a Personal Note: money matters

Sometimes I wish money didn't exist.  It feels like the world is run by it and honestly it takes so much time.  We have to work to earn it, keep track of it, pay bills, purchase things, return things, report money fraud, lose our wallets, find our wallets, cancel credit cards, sign up for credit cards, check investments, decide if we need life insurance, plan a budget, try to keep to our budget...I'm tired just writing this.

And I'm a little biased right now since purchasing a home was definitely the largest purchase of my life thus far and it cost a little bit of money or should I say "continues to cost."

I don't think it's a coincidence that Jesus talked about money a lot.  I don't think it's because he cared about it more than anything but I do think he wants to redeem it as he does with everything that gets distorted by us.

These are the things he keeps reminding me of again and again:

~ Lauren, I am your ultimate provider.  Not Dave or you or your employers or even your generous parents.  I am.  So trust me.  I will not forget to take care of you.  Worry doesn't add anything, it only subtracts. (Matthew 6)

~ Lauren, everything you have belongs to me.  Take joy in getting to use it!  I love when you delight in the gifts I've given you.  And when you use them to delight others. (James 1)

~ Lauren, money is part of my plan to make my name known to the ends of the earth.  Be strategic with what I give you. (Matthew 28)

~ Lauren, seek first my kingdom and everything else will be added to you.  If you try to save your life you will lose it.  (Matthew 6)

In Genesis 4 is the story of the first murder committed by man.  Cain kills his brother Abel.  I've always thought his jealousy led him to kill but I noticed the other day that Cain's jealousy began because he withheld from God what belonged to God.  Abel gave God his best but Cain kept his best for himself.

Now, it's not too inspiring to follow Abel's example since he ends up dead, but my point is that if stingy-ness or greed can lead a heart to become so hard that one murders his brother, I want to stay far away from that.  I know you do too.

Lord, help us hold things loosely.  We can never out-give you.

On a personal note: grieving with hope

Life is so full of grief.  I keep hearing these past few days about people, some of them friends, who are facing such massive grief that they don't even know how they'll walk through what tomorrow holds.
I know they are clinging to some of these promises right now...
~ If we are in Christ, we don't grieve without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13)
~ We have a sympathetic God who we can approach with confidence for help and mercy (Hebrews 4:14-16)
~ God will wipe every tear from our eyes and all will be made right (Revelation 7:17)

Saw this video through a friend's facebook today.  I can't imagine the grief.  And I can't imagine what these people will experience when they are reunited with their son.  Forever.

"After The Storm"

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. 

On a Personal Note: no one told me

Been having some Mother's Day reflections this week which started off by thinking about all the things people didn't tell me before I became a mom:

1) That I would be sobbing on my bed while in labor (it was time to head to the hospital) saying, "Dave, it won't just be me and you when we come home."  He said something to the effect of "you are going to have this baby right here if you don't get your tail in the car."
2) That I would think numerous times in those first months that I didn't want to love another human this much- felt too risky.
3) That being forced out of many of my self-centered patterns would be painful and also the catalyst for a lot of growth.
4) That it takes 8 months, not 8 weeks to fit back into your clothes (at least if you don't make a decent effort :).
5) That I would find a new respect and need for my own parents.
6) That "mommy" may not be his first word.  Sometimes it comes long after "duck" and "quack" and "no" and of course, "daddy".
7)  That I would go in and watch him sleep every single night.
8) That I would ask the question at least once a day the entire first year, "What am I supposed to do in this situation?"
9) That I need to be reminded daily that he belongs ultimately to the Lord and not to me.
10) That I now understand more what it means that God rejoices over and delights in his children.

I guess some things are better learned first-hand.

On a Personal Note: Parent Commissioning

We have been prepping for Parent Commissioning at our church (similar to baby dedication) for Graham this coming Saturday.  His name means "temporary home" and we have been talking about how much we hope that Graham understands from a young age that he was not only created for this life but for eternal life. I was pointed to this blog post by a friend of mine and I think it does an incredible job of expressing what it's like to want your kids to understand the fact that they weren't made for this world.  The following was written by Jen Wilkin from The Beginning of Wisdom blog.

Dear child-of-my-heart,

Today you came to me sad and I wanted to comfort you. Your friends spoke of owning things you do not own, watching movies you do not watch, going to places you do not go, and wearing things you do not wear. Even in the telling, they spoke in ways you do not speak. You were feeling very sharply your “otherness” today.

But what comfort can I give you? How can I pull the sharp thorn of comparison from your tender flesh? Mothers don’t like to see their children hurt. My own heart wants to find the shortest path to the removal of your pain, a pain that spills over on to me because I remember being thirteen. And because I know you are being singled out for boundaries you did not set.

Should I comfort you by giving you the things that separate you from the well-provided, worldly-wise woman-girls at the lunch table? Not everything you do not have right now is a “no” – some things are just a “not yet”. So I might revisit what you’re ready for, not because I want your friends to like you, but because I want to give right things at right times. Your friends would have you believe that being different is an unbearable state, but I would have you believe otherwise.

Sweet child, study the way you are feeling today. Because I love you, I ask this of you: lean into your “otherness” – learn the contours of its face, feel out the steady grip of its hand. Because I intend it to be your lifelong companion. It is a truer friend than those who surround you now. More than I want your comfort I want you to be an alien and a stranger. You are beginning to understand what that means – that not-fitting, that dissonant chord, that unease in the midst of ease that has been the faithful travel companion of the children of God for millenia. And I rejoice in the faithfulness of the God who is showing you this truth.

Here is what you must come to see: what the lunch table calls your enemy I call your friend. “Otherness” is a sensation not to be dulled or diminished but to be cultivated and cherished. So though it goes against every mothering instinct, I will not pull the thorn from your flesh, not because I want to withhold comfort, but because there is no true comfort in a lie. This world is not our home. We are sojourners, travelers on our way to the only true comfort the human heart can know. I will not help you populate your life with things that lessen your grip on this reality.

Because I love you, yes. But because I love your Heavenly Father above all else. And I will give an account to Him for whether I have raised citizens of Earth or citizens of Heaven.

I pray for you – do you know how much? – I pray for you to be able to say with David that the boundary lines have fallen for you in pleasant places. It is not a mindset that we reach with ease. But it is the mindset of someone who has learned the safety and joy of “otherness”. I am willing to give you the years you will need to learn this truth. I am trusting the Father to show you the comfort of being called His own. There is no real comfort besides this.

I could not love you more.

Love, Mom


"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." Psalm 16:5-6

ADD Reading (6th edition)

 Apparently you either love or or hate her writing.  I'm in the love camp (pardon the pun ;).  

A potent reminder of the need for gratefulness and our heart's bent toward toward ingratitude.

2 chapters in and hooked like a fish.

 Graham's dedication is in a week and this was gifted to us by our kids pastor.  

Ready to dive into some parenting resources.

 Gifted by my friend who shares my love of music and books.  She said it was revolutionary for her and already I see myself in the pages.

A woman who I aspire to be like keeps mentioning this book to me and you can't go wrong with TK.

On a Personal Note: Birthday Boy

We had a sweet day of celebration!

Bedhead in his "beep beep" from Nana and Papa

A funfetti cake picked out by Graham at Target by him pointing and saying "yum".
Baked at our church since our oven broke today :(.

Gave him some paints so he can explore his artistic side :)

He just kept saying "wow"!

We had party of some of Graham's college friends/babysitters and they spoiled him rotten. And he loved every moment (so did we).

Animals, trucks, blocks, tools, books...he made out like a bandit.

No face-first like last year

just like his mom

Thank you, sweet friends, for loving Graham and for enriching our lives. We really love you guys!

On a Personal Note: No good

This post is going to start out like a typical post but end a little differently so stick with me...

Today has been blissful.

It began with a baking success (homemade cinnamon bread) paired, of course, with caffeine.


Then came a cuddly morning with my men.

Followed by a visit with a friend who I feel like I've known forever.
(who brought me these gorgeous s & p shakers)


Then it was off to explore the breathtaking Duke Gardens.

Finally a sunset drive down some back roads with some country music serenading.

I was putting these pictures on my computer thinking about how idealistic they look and some of the back story behind them.
For example:
-I only need caffeine in the morning because I am a limited person who has to sleep/do nothing for 8 hours a night to feel decent
- My cuddle bug in his pjs whined to watch tv or eat cookies at least 15 times this morning
- My friend and I don't just talk about what is happy in life right now but also the things we struggle with
- You can't visit the Duke Gardens without being reminded how many people are there right before/after cancer treatment at Duke Hospital
-Even our back roads drive made us witness a car accident in which at least one driver didn't have insurance

The world is broken.
The world won't ever satisfy us because we weren't made for it ultimately.

It was strange to be in a garden today and think...
God put mankind in a garden to begin with. A perfect garden. And I look around this garden and see people with bald heads from chemo, a group of college girls talking about how their self-proclaimed "selfishness" will probably lead them to never marry or have kids, and children fighting over toys.

But God.
So often in Scripture when we read a passage filled with the depravity of mankind, it is followed by a "but God..." statement
So I want to leave you with what is the point of us seeing the brokenness.
To wallow in it and miss the joy in life? To feel hopeless? To try to fix it? To become numb?
I don't think so.
I think it drives us to these truths-

In Him we live and move and have our being. Acts 17:28

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Col 1:17

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
(Psalm 16 ESV)